EARLY WARNING SIGNS YOU’VE MET A NARCISSIST — AND THE LATER STAGE SIGNS YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT IGNORE

After being in a relationship with a narcissist, at least one thing becomes crystal clear: we never want to give another one the chance to do that kind of damage again.

Sometimes, however, our judgment may feel a little off and we end up at extremes.

Some people who have been in relationships with narcissists end up right back in one, perhaps because they had been primed in their previous relationship(s) subconsciously, yet had not discerned the signs that distinguish a narcissist before it’s too late.

Others begin to see narcissists everywhere.

Yet the things we may think of as signs to look for may or may not be present, such as attention-seeking behavior, arrogance and, rudeness, depending on the type of narcissist and how long we have known him or her.

In addition, show-offs can be annoying, but generally harmless. And selfish or rude people are not necessarily pathological and with accompanying traits that meet the definition of a personality disorder.  It’s important to keep in mind that there is a difference between a “jerk,” or a rude person, and a “narcissist” (not that we really want to be around either).

“Narcissist” is shorthand for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and personality disorders are patterns of behavior that are so pervasive and all-encompassing that they characterize the thought and behavior patterns of all aspects of a person’s life. The person can’t control them and often doesn’t even realize that they are engaging in these patterns because they are unable to step outside of themselves. They frequently have interpersonal issues, but may view everyone else as the problem.

Narcissists have learned to recognize that others don’t respond so well when they behave in certain ways, so they instead manipulate others for both short-term and long-term gain, depending on what they desire. Everyone in their world is part of the game they play, because those people may someday be useful.

This is why it is important to recognize that, although we are understandably repelled by and wish to avoid “jerks” too, the narcissist wears a mask to conceal the fact that he or she is a “jerk” from the world, which can make the damage they cause so much worse because it comes out of nowhere. Pathological lying and deceit are the very essence of interaction with others.

It’s crucial, therefore, to not get distracted by what we think may be the “obvious” signs and learn (or remember) what the red flags are that we are interacting with someone who may meet the criteria of a narcissistic abuser or at the very least engage in the psychological abuse tactics that meet the criteria of narcissistic abuse. This can help us to avoid writing those tactics off if we do see them and keep ourselves safe.

First, before we get to the “red flags,” let’s talk about why we might be tempted to write them off, so if we catch ourselves doing it, we can try to stop and take a deeper look.

1. WE CAN BE BLINDED BY THE PERSON’S FLATTERY OR ATTENTION.

Narcissists are known for the “love-bombing” right up front. We tend to think of this as something that happens in romantic relationships, and the term is applied as such, but some of the behavior can happen in any situation– work settings, first dates, or social settings. For example, even in a situation where we are meeting a friend’s new love interest, a narcissist may try to charm us and if we aren’t careful. This is where it is very easy to get tripped up.

Not all compliments are suspect, however, and so on edge are we about what happened to us, that one or two compliments might cause us to pause and wonder whether the person is a narcissist.

Yet once a person begins to flood us with their attention, we may become so caught up in it and distracted that we may forget to question the sincerity of the words or don’t want to. More on this below.

2. WE DON’T THINK OF IT AS WARNING US OF ANYTHING EVEN IF A BEHAVIOR SEEMS STRANGE.

We aren’t used to having to think of behaviors that may seem benign or positive as “warnings.” Even if a behavior seems a little eccentric, if it isn’t blatantly harmful or antisocial, we are likely to convince ourselves it’s no big deal.

We’ve been groomed to be tolerant and accepting of the behavior of others, as long as no one is really hurting anyone else. We may even have a voice in our heads telling us not to be too sensitive or paranoid.

3. WE TEND TO BELIEVE THAT IF SOMEONE IS A BAD PERSON, THE SIGNS WILL BE SO OBVIOUS THAT WE WON’T HAVE ANY DOUBTS.

Again, we know what rude and arrogant people are like, and we’ve all encountered jerks and know we’d prefer to stay away from them. We have our radar out for danger– the kind where predators might mug us on the street or jump out from behind bushes as we walk across a parking lot and attack us.

But what about people who hide the bad things they are capable of? In general, no one has ever taught us how to watch out for predators in social situations– or even that they exist.

4. IF WE DO HAVE DOUBTS, WE TEND TO RESOLVE THEM IN FAVOR OF THE PERSON IN QUESTION BECAUSE WE PROJECT OUR OWN “GOODNESS” AND WAY OF VIEWING THE WORLD ONTO THEM.

As mentioned, there isn’t social awareness and general acceptance that this is a “thing” (social predators) and we can end up with a voice in our heads telling us we are imagining things or even miss the signs as potentially dangerous at all on a conscious level.

Therefore, we can often end up just giving the benefit of the doubt to the person and assuming they are just like us and have no ill intentions– because most people we meet won’t have any so that’s our default setting.

These are things about the person that may stand out to you if they occurred, however, if they did, unless you were aware ahead of time that they could be warning signs of someone capable of narcissistic abuse, they would likely fly under the radar.