A few years ago the events of my life conspired to land me in the narcissist online community. Without going into much detail, I felt profoundly betrayed and abandoned by people close to me (I’ll call them Frankenstein for the rest of this post). My efforts to resolve that pain led me to seek answers online and drink a lot of wine.
It was glorious to label Frankenstein a narcissist. Everyone hates a narcissist. Label someone a narcissist and he becomes not only your enemy, but an enemy of the world. Say you’re his victim and both people and zombies will line up beside you to throw tomatoes and rocks. Grinning all the while as the alleged narcissimonster bleeds.
The Super Duper Narcissist
I really dug in for a while. Blogs and forums and research papers, oh my. It was one of the “my ex boyfriend was such a narcissist” blogs that finally broke me. A woman going on about how everything was all his fault and why you should hate him and anyone like him. In fact, if you’re super duper hurt, he’s a super duper narcissist.
What?
If you have been taken in by all the narc media and indulged in hating on your narc and getting others to hate on your narc (whether they know him or not), I ask you this:
Is it making your life better?
Note: This isn’t the same question as, “Does it feel good?”
Because of course it feels good. Whenever we label another person a meanie and ourselves innocent victims of meanie-ness, we absolve ourselves of any responsibility. Them bad, me good. What a relief! It’s so obvious to all these tomato- and rock-throwers what a dick he is! And by the way, do you see it? That’s pretty narcissistic, right? Criticizing him as he did you. Building your ego on his totes obvs badness, as he did you. How very narcissistic and un-empathetic and hypocritical. Oh, sure, you can carry on about how he was so much more cruel, directly, and how much worse that is. You’re probably even right.
So what?
It Doesn’t Matter If They’re NPD
I don’t know if those I labeled narcissists could be diagnosed NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or not. And I don’t care. Anyone can choose the facts of any story and find perpetrators and victims on both sides. It’s just perspective. Even if someone is all about himself, doesn’t get you, and is desperate for admiration, there’s no need to label him bad and check out of the relationship then claim the moral high ground. It probably doesn’t make your life better or make you a better person. Righteousness and, I cringe to write it, arrogance rarely does. Realizing my own sense or righteous arrogance was a rude awakening. I’m a dick too? Ugh. It also helped me see my role in the dynamic and figure out a better, more compassionate, balanced, and emotionally mature way to manage.
This is what I see most often in the narc media. Run away, avoid, everything is his fault, you’re not even slightly to blame for the state of this relationship. Fine if you want to live your life that way. I hope you don’t wake up ten years into retirement and realize you have as many regrets as stones and tomatoes you threw.
Another approach is to figure out how to enjoy what you can of your narc and feel good about yourself at the same time. And if it’s a relationship of choice like a friend or spouse, decide whether or not you want to live with it. Sure, she’s self absorbed, but she bakes a mean cake and throws the best parties. Okay, he can be critical, but he’s also funny as hell. It’s not to say meanies should be excused for their behavior, but that we can change our response to them and maintain the relationship instead. We teach people how to treat us after all.
If you want to get through the pain you feel, regardless of who caused it because who fucking cares, you probably need to stop doing the following.
Stop Demonizing
Demonizing narcissists or bullies is a favorite pastime of most online sources. Demonizing does to those narcissists or bullies or jerks what we resent them doing to us. We become the very thing we despise.
Not to excuse poor treatment, but if you start cultivating the empathy you accuse him of lacking, you get to become a better version of you. One who doesn’t cower under his thumb or cry to authority figures when he’s mean.
Explore His Back Story. Even if you don’t know the true history, create a story from whatever you do know and you may see neglect abuse in his past. People are far, far more than whatever we experience of them. This exercise helped me understand and manage Frankenstein differently.
Consider How You Hurt Him. That’s right. Flip all that narc and bully research on yourself. Because somehow you hurt him, even if you think it’s petty and stupid. When I realized Frankenstein was deeply worried about his reputation, perhaps above all else, I understood the situation better.
Accept Your Ignorance. Labeling someone as a narc based solely on your experience and interpretation of him is extremely arrogant. Your pain doesn’t equal his personality disorder. Plus, it’s notoriously difficult to get a narc into therapy anyhow. You’ll probably never be proven right or wrong.
Stop Seeking Rescuers
Rescue comes in many forms. That army of rock throwers. Parents. HR departments. Lawyers. If you’re in serious danger where harm is imminent, you just might need some saving. But if someone’s just making you feel like shit, you may need help – but not salvation. (See info on the Drama Triangle for more.)
Rescuers prevent us from taking responsibility for ourselves. The hero theoretically protects us and keeps our meanie in line. But if you’re an adult you can do that for yourself without adding the insecurity that comes from being saved.
Check Your Fears. Underlying all your demonizing and rescue-seeking is a fear that he can hurt you deeply. But your fear may be unfounded. As an adult, you’re probably far more powerful than you think. Get help changing your behavior, not finding someone to overpower his.
Seek Challengers, Not Yes-Men. While in the throes of demonizing, it’s tempting to bathe in the warm fuzziness of validation for whatever you suffered. But after a few what-a-dicks, it’s time to start solving. Find someone to help you find your role in your problems with him. Yes-Men May provide comfort, but they stunt growth.
Improve Self Esteem. Low self esteem and weak boundaries may have contributed to the situation. Spend some time aggressively working on your confidence. As you improve, it should be easier to manage his boorishness and stand up for yourself at the same time.
Stop Avoiding Him
A lot of the bully and narcissist media highly recommend never speaking to “the enemy” again. They call this going No Contact or NC. Essentially, they recommend hiding from your big meanie forever so they can’t hurt you again.
I’ve never been a fan of this strategy. While limiting or managing contact can strengthen you, going no contact doesn’t teach you how to deal with this kind of behavior. It teaches you to run away, which may be a habit that aided the discord. And one worth breaking.
In the midst of my own chaos with Frankenstein, I intentionally set up safe opportunities to challenge the way I interacted with him. On a few occasions I managed remarkably well (some not so much). Those little wins in composure gave me more confidence in the situation. I still have plenty of work to do, but I can handle it better than before.
Create Confrontation Opportunities. Start with email or phone calls and move to short term engagements like morning coffee. Decide in advance how you’ll handle common issues like his tendency to go on and on about himself or criticize. Don’t punish yourself if you swing and miss. Learn.
Change Your Communication Style. While it doesn’t make sense to let him lambaste you without edification, it also doesn’t make sense to attack back. You don’t have to agree on everything or explain yourself to him. Then, when it really matters, challenge him because you’re confident — not because you’re hurt.
Expect Less. We sometimes expect a lot from our bullies and narcissists. We want them to be admire us. We want them to apologize. Thing is, if these people really are narcs, it’s never going to be about us so stop expecting it to be. Wanting the focus to be on you at all is pretty narc-y anyhow.
An important thing to remember about narcissists is that they don’t set out to hurt us so much as they are frantic about protecting themselves. And while they may use methods that hurt us, they’re just bulls in social china shops when it comes to others’ feelings. If we take charge of our feelings instead of expecting them to, we might be able to salvage a different version of a relationship we don’t really want to discard.
What about you? Does this resonate or would you rather seek a higher power, build your army, or insist they’re the jerk(s) you always thought they were?
