10 TIPS FOR MAKING LIVING WITH A ‘NARCISSIST’ MANAGEABLE
If you feel truly connected to your partner and you want to make things work, here’s what might help when you’re dealing with a narcissist…
- Talk about why our relationships with others are so important, and what it means to feel really connected with another person.
- Suggest any behavioural changes (start small) without any reference to wrongdoing on their (or your) part.
- Emphasise the benefits – to him/her, you and the relationship of a particular change or action, so that it builds their view of themselves as being ‘good’.
- Talk about what the two of you have achieved in terms of change and growth, however little. Avoid pointing the finger at all costs!
- Remind yourself frequently of what you do like about your partner, instead of getting fixated on what you don’t like.
- Offer someone else’s opinion about a specific behaviour from your partner that might have irritated them. Sandwich it very gently between positives, though.
- Do your best to make the connection between their past hurts and their behaviour now – the more empathic you feel the less likely you are to get into a spiral of negativity (honouring your own boundaries though).
- Gain their interest, if you can, about the story of the lives of people around them. Help them focus outward – away from me, myself and I – in a fun way, by asking questions such as: Who did something funny at work today? How’s so-and-so getting on with his/her new project? What’s your favourite kind of personality to be around and why? Etc.
- Help them understand gradually and gently what others feel and might truly want, need or expect from them.
- And the most important one: BE PATIENT and stick to your own boundaries.
Dealing with criticism
Someone with a diagnosis of NPD, or even with ‘just’ some traits of narcissistic personality disorder, can find criticism particularly challenging. They may respond by behaving rudely and aggressively if criticised.
The best thing you can do here is to try and help them to recognise that no one is perfect. Each one of us, including them, has our share of imperfections and shortcomings.
How to encourage understanding and empathy
Remember that someone with narcissistic traits struggles with empathy (or, in full blown cases of NPD, has no empathy at all). That can make building a healthy relationship really hard for the other partner.
So, to try and encourage understanding, aim to have some playful conversations together every day.
For example…
– Ask them to guess what you’re thinking about
– Likewise, guess what they’re thinking about right now
– Take turns to have a 10-minute conversation about each other – your successes, preferences and joys, but also your failures, disappointments and challenges.
These types of conversations may help them to slowly and gently get some insight into other people’s feelings.
You’ll probably need to be pretty patient when you first try these kinds of chats. So be sure to start only when you’re feeling positive and generous!
